Conrad Travel is proud to present our latest package tour: The All-inclusive Apocalypse Experience.
We start in Saigon, where you will be lodged at a ceiling fan-cooled room and a large disposable mirror to exorcise your personal demons. A bottle of whisky is provided at no extra cost.
Next morning, after a cold-shower hangover cure, a local helicopter will take you to Nha Trang, where you will receive your further itinerary. When you reach the coastal mouth of the Nùng, you may opt for some spectacular surfing or just take in the morning air. The local villagers are friendly and accommodating.
You will embark on a chartered boat and proceed up the Tonle Srepok river – a major tributary of the Mekong. The amenities are basic, but sufficient. A charismatic Chef will amuse you with his many variations of local mango dishes.
There will be short stops along the way, including a jungle adventure day trip with possible tiger sightings. Even though the Captain will insist on never leaving the boat, you will be fine: your guide is well armed.
The main rest stop is at an old French Plantation – a charming, if quaint, reminder of the colonial Indochina. A welcoming Francophone family still runs it as a B&B, but you won’t find it on-line. It is a cash-only enterprise (available only in the Redux Package).
From there, you will be entering the bright heart of Cambodia. Locals will encourage you to trade artisanal items off their passing boats, and children might playfully throw paper airplanes in your direction.
The area is mosquito-heavy, so keep spraying yourself with repellants. The on-board medic, Mr. Clean, will tend to any hygienic inconveniences.
One of the main nighttime attractions is a spectacular fireworks display over the river. Also included in your tour package is an extravagant dance show featuring regional folklore.
Don’t be alarmed by a thick fog. As you arrive at your journey’s destination, the thick blanket of vapor will yield a spectacular view: an ancient Angkor Temple replete with theme-costumed personnel.
The rooms may seem somewhat restricting at first, but rest assured it is all eco-friendly.
After a long rest, you will enjoy a spectacular Water Buffalo rave party. I couldn’t divulge any more details as they would spoil the surprise.
The theme-park’s proprietor is an elusive, somewhat enigmatic man, quite portly but spry. Inquire at the front desk if he is available for an audience – a treat not afforded to many. If you’re in luck, the owner will grant you an unforgettable dinner and amuse you with lengthy, rambling monologues on the virtues of travel.
Your stay will be recorded by a staff photographer – himself a colorful expat full of intriguing anecdotes.
Overall, this is a once-in-a-lifetime adventure – enlightening and entertaining in equal measure. It will set you back a few quid, but you will impress your mates at the pub with your amazing recollections. You may even decide to write a novella about it.
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